Moore’s Law Reverses – Return to Paper Projected by 2039

Santa Clara, CA – In a surprising announcement today, Intel Corporation announced both their latest advance in processing power and the failure of a long-standing paradigm for the microprocessor industry. Moore’s Law, the theory that processing power will double every 24 months because of technological innovation, has failed. The surprising news came in the midst of a new product introduction for Intel’s revolutionary new Quint-Core Peon chip, the fastest ever produced by the technology company.

Intel's KrishnaMcGillicuddy

Intel’s Rom KrishnaMcGillicuddy

According to Rom KrishnaMcGillicuddy, Senior Development Engineer at Intel’s famed Circuitous Processes Laboratory in Hillsboro, Oregon, the Peon computes today at speeds over 4 Ghz and incorporates 1.3 billion transistors in a chip the size of an infant’s toenail. “It is an amazing accomplishment,” stated KrishnaMcGillicuddy, “but that’s as far as it goes. Moore’s Law is kaputt, DOA, gonzo. Sorry Gordon, we’re going backwards from here.” The theory, named after Gordon Moore, one of Intel’s founders, has held true for over four decades, but apparently broke down with the Peon chip, and processor performance will begin to slow down from this point on.

It turns out that the failure isn’t just a problem with the Peons, but also has implications for existing processors. Responding to questions, KrishnaMcGillicuddy explained the nature of the problem. “It’s not just planned obsolescence. Microsoft has been doing that for years and it’s nothing new. This is a failure in the element itself. Silicon just isn’t what it used to be.”

“The problem is environmental,” continued the engineer. “The granularity of the earth’s polar fields is oscillating inversely to the melting of the polar icecaps. This is having a destabilizing effect on the earth’s supply of silicon, which is becoming more or less semi-conductive largely in relationship to the temperature of sub-surface waters in the eastern tropical Pacific. We had hoped that this was an isolated problem, but we’ve tested silicon from various sources and it’s global in nature.” KrishnaMcGillicuddy went on to explain that the performance of both new and existing silicon chips will fluctuate over the next few years according to the weather. Chips are expected to perform at near optimum levels in years when El Niño patterns prevail, but may not work at all during La Niña years.

Other Elements – Not So Hot

Acting quickly in a ineffectual attempt to dispel investor alarm yesterday, Intel released a short summary of their research work on alternative semiconductor materials. Entitled “Silicon is Dead (and we’re not feeling too good either),” the report comments on Intel’s search for a replacement for silicon. Here’s a brief extract:

Silicon is Dead Report

Silicon is the perfect material because there’s so much of it. We’ve been making semiconductors for nearly half a century and we’ve barely put a dent in the Sahara Desert.  The most promising replacement for silicon appears to be pyrite, but market prices for this mineral, otherwise known as “fools gold,” skyrocketed last year after it was discovered that the mineral has powerful feng shui properties, including the ability to attract wealth to the home.  It became obvious that pyrite wouldn’t be a cost effective replacement once the recommendation was issued by the International Feng Shui Guild.

Printers Ebullient

Dr McWebintyre

Dr. McWebintyre

One group was gleeful at the implications of the Intel announcement. Dr. Joe McWebintyre, Director of Economics and Cosmic Research at WhatTheyThunk.com, a print industry media organization, explained the cause of the industry optimism. “We’re absolutely giddy,” commented McWebintyre. “After experiencing years of declining markets, the latest developments at Intel are very promising for the printing industry. As computers and tablets get progressively clunkier, people will begin to think that books and print are cool again. My projections indicate a complete return to ink on paper by 2039.”

McWebintyre’s graph is included below.

 

 

Moore's Law Graph

Graph courtesy whattheythunk.com

Printer

Printer Mike Stevenstein

Another forward thinking printer responded with more cautious optimism. Mike Stevenstein, owner of Distressed Press and founder of the industry’s popular Printmoaners List, comments, “It does look good for print. Of course, we’ll have to reinvent the linotronic to take the place of the design software we use now.  That’s not a real difficulty. There’s a lot of that old stuff in the back of printshops all around the country. Many of us are looking forward to using lead type and woodcuts again, and to making our customers wait a couple of weeks for delivery. After all, if it was good enough for folks in the days of Gutenberg and Ben Franklin, it ought to be okay for us, too. My name is Mike Stevenstein and I’m a printer.”

Intel to fund Counseling Programs for technologically deprived teens?

One immediate response to Intel’s surprise revelation came from U.S. Senator Al Franken (D – MN), speaking on behalf of the Senate Subcommittee on Children and Families. “The potential for psychological damage to teenagers is particularly concerning,” Franken stated. “I mean without cell phones, they won’t be able to text. They might actually have to talk with one another face to face. We think that Intel should begin planning now to fund psychological counseling for the generations of teenagers who will be impacted by this devastating development.”

Intel Corporation declined to comment specifically on the Senator’s remarks, but directly denied direct responsibility for global warming and several other natural disasters. The story continues to develop with broad implications for users and manufacturers of technology and other residents of planet Earth.  See related article: Martians, Sensing Technological Weakness, Plan Invasion.

DP Marketing Services wishes all of our readers a happy and entertaining April Fools Day. We apologize profusely (in lieu of permission) for liberties taken with the identities of a few characters who may seem familiar to the print community and make every assurance that any resemblance to actual persons is only semi-intentional. Any blatant offense to Intel Corporation or to their founders, stockholders, employees, coffee suppliers, or cleaning ladies is unintended.

Printers, please don’t hold your breath while waiting for the return of print and paper in 2039. There are great applications for print right now. If you’d like some assistance getting the word out to your community, we’d be glad to help. 

 

 



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